Julie’s Jabber: An Open Letter To Miley Cyrus

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I saw the video for Miley Cyrus’ new single “We Can’t Stop” and was forced to make this statement on Facebook: “Yes Miley, you are the first person in the WORLD to EVER get high or have sex. Thank goodness you discovered sex & drugs & introduced it to the rest of the world. Now put your tongue back in your mouth & go find your pants.”

My online friends jumped in with their own opinions and what followed was essentially a Miley Cyrus feeding frenzy. All of us were joyfully tearing the girl a new one when my Very Sweet Aunt Marianne stepped in and reminded us that the situation was sad and that someone should be doing a better job of looking out for Miley. After all, she IS essentially still a KID. Well, that sucked the fun out of it for ALL of us.

She is right though. Who IS looking out for this kid and why are they pointing her in the wrong direction?

I’m still trying to imagine the boardroom meeting that must have transpired before Miley’s new music video was released. As much as we’d like to believe that she is calling the shots between bong hits, that can’t be the case. Miley Cyrus is a gazillion dollar industry so a move this big had to be carefully thought out. Who was the suit-and-tie executive who stood up and said, “The starlet-turned-party-hound market has been HUGE lately. Let’s go in THAT direction?” Or was there a pie chart that involved hot-dog piñatas and money sandwiches?

Even worse, who was the creepy Ari-Gold-looking dude who patted Miley on the back and said, “People are gonna LOVE it BABY,” right before dropping her into the shark-infested waters of social media? That’s why I’m choosing to do as my Very Sweet Aunt Marianne suggested and I’m taking pity on Miley. I’d also like to offer her some suggestions.

First of all, Miley honey you are simply better than this. You are bright and talented and as much as I hate to admit it, I can’t listen to “Party in the U.S.A.” without singing along and dancing poorly. You’ve accomplished more in your short life that I have in 43 years and I’m thrilled to see what you will do in the future, but first you need to fire your whole staff. Get a whole new crew or better yet, take a few years off. Learn what it’s like to be a grown-up OUT of the spotlight for a while.

And Miley, if you come back to us at 25, singing about drugs and twerking in some gross video, we’ll know that you’re just being YOU and you really were THAT freaky all along. If that’s the case Miley, I’ll buy you a hot dog piñata and take it all back. I promise.


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