Julie’s Jabber: Kids Say the @#*&est Things

Bill Cosby had a TV show in the late ‘90’s called “Kids Say the Darndest Things,” where he laughed at cute observations from a collection of ankle-biters. We reference that show in my house all the time now, but we replace the word “DARNDEST” with the vilest profanity we can think of.

We do this because my kids have absolutely NO filter when it comes to speaking their minds. Just yesterday, my oldest (who doesn’t really GET the concept of acne) asked me, “Are you just gonna LEAVE that on your face?” That’s bad but it’s nothing compared to the things her little sister says. We were discussing a friend whose Dad is getting remarried so she’s getting new brothers and sisters. Lucy asked if I would get remarried when (not IF, but WHEN) Daddy & I got divorced. I told her NO (because that’s the correct answer, right?) and Lucy said, “OK, then I want to live with Daddy when you get divorced so I can get a WHOLE NEW FAMILY!”

She topped that one the other night, though. She was sitting in the backseat of the car (where Lucy appears to have her deepest thoughts) and she said, “When you die Mommy, I’ll be very sad but I’ll also be a little bit happy because I’ll get all your jewelry.”

I had to sit on that one for a few minutes before proceeding. Finally I said, “Lucy, do you realize what you just said to me? I’m adding it to the List-of-Things-I’ll-Bring-Up-at-Your-Wedding-Reception.” Emma, who sensed a sibling attack, jumped on her sister with both feet.

“How could you SAY that? You just told Mom you’ll be happy when she’s DEAD!”

This is when Lucy started cry. I don’t know if she truly felt bad about what she said or if she had gotten a mental image of me drunkenly retelling the story at her wedding reception, but I started to feel bad.

I also remembered spinning my Mom’s wedding ring on her finger & saying “One day, you will be mine. Oh yes, you will be MINE!” Sure I was joking, but I remember the moment with a guilty sting every time I put that diamond on.

So I said to Lucy, “It’s OK honey. We all have horrible thoughts sometimes. The trick is to not say them out loud.” Maybe Lucy learned an important lesson that day about keeping her ugly thoughts to herself. Maybe I’m creating a future “Dexter.” It doesn’t really matter either way because I plan to be buried with all the things my kids want to inherit from me. Take THAT Lucy! You can have all my jewelry, but first you’ll have to come and GET IT!


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