Julie’s Jabber: Pretty Girls Are The Stinkiest

I work with one of my girlfriends & we have a theory about who always stinks up the Ladies Room. You know what I mean. You never see that person come or go. You just know what they’ve left behind. Well, my friend & I have decided that it is ALWAYS the hottest girl in the office. Look around, pick out the hottest chick and you have found your culprit. Normal girls might Courtesy Flush or hold it 8 hours until they get home. Hot girls will just DO IT because they know that even when a hot girl is gross, she’s still kind of hot.

I learned this universal truth about hot girls in high school when I met who I thought was the most beautiful girl in the world. I’ll call her Mickie for the sake of privacy but the real Mickie would scream out “Yeah, that’s me” and then flip everyone off.

I was new in town and at a birthday party with a bunch of girls I didn’t know very well. Everyone was primly drinking punch & watching Mickie wrestle a cheerleader on the floor. That was strange enough but at one point Mickie’s skirt flew up & we saw she was wearing what had to be the world’s oldest and (dare I say it) most stained underwear. Everyone screamed “MICKIE” but she calmly said “What” before tossing back her Kool-Aid like it was a shot of tequila.

I knew right then that chick was going to be my friend.

Rolling with Mickie the Hot Chick was fun but she always made me feel like a peasant. When summer break came around, I’d visit my grandparents while Mickie cruised the Caribbean with vaguely famous people. I kissed a boy down the street & she made out with a roadie from 38 Special. I’d take the bus to school and she would fall out of a limo onto the front steps without spilling her martini. OK, that last one is an exaggeration but Mickie was “Absolutely Fabulous” long before Edina & Patsy hit the scene.

I found a new boyfriend & was terrified about introducing him to Mickie. NO ONE was immune to her beauty so I felt certain he would dump me as soon as he met her.

Mickie took care of that by farting right after she said “Hello.” We were sneaking cigarettes outside my house a few minutes later when Mickie hiked up her skirt, pulled her panties to the side & peed right in the middle of the street. My boyfriend was so freaked out, he almost cried. We went inside to smuggle a beer & Mickie started eating an entire block of cheddar she found in the fridge. Later on my Mom asked, “Why are there teeth marks in the Cracker Barrel cheese?”

My boyfriend said Mickie was disgusting and that he never wanted to see her again, but I loved her more than ever. I thought that even she knew he was going to fall for her, so she was being extra gross to protect me.

Let’s be honest. She probably did it because she was drunk, but it worked either way.

Sadly, I lost touch with Mickie after high school. I heard that she married a much older oilman and moved to Texas, but it’s a big state & I haven’t run into her yet. I follow her on Facebook but she never posts any of her current adventures.

This worries me.

I hope that Mickie didn’t turn the corner at 40 and decide all of her antics weren’t so cute anymore. Maybe she got a good look at herself one day and cleaned up her act.

God, I hope not.

In fact, I choose to believe that she’s not posting her activities on Facebook because they’re too sordid to display. Maybe she’s trolling Ibiza with Paris Hilton and they’re throwing their panties out of limousines. I hope she IS hooked up with some rich guy who spoils her with diamonds and expensive clothes (that all have wine & other unidentifiable stains on them). Maybe she’s not posting things on Facebook because she’s just too darn busy doing something forbidden with the pool-boy and if all of these things happen to be true…

Then Mickie honey, I’m coming to visit.


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